The most important lesson life teaches is that mourning is never “done.”
We come into the world wired for the duality of bad or good; black or white. We don’t begin to grow up until we mourn the loss of that pristine simplicity and accept that the two have become impossibly tangled. The microscopic dots of black ink can be so perfectly interspersed on the bright white paper that, although there are still only two colors, the human eye sees gray.
On the happiest day I still know that sad days are coming. No matter how much I love and trust someone if our relationship lasts long enough they will eventually let me down. No matter how good I feel about myself I will, again taste shame and regret.
Only one duality remains. I can learn to lean into the waves and let them wash over me or I can try to resist and get slammed on my ass.
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In this long mourning most of us choose beliefs and practices that help us cope. For example, many choose to believe in a heaven where they will see loved ones again. Some are troubled by my use of the word “choose” there, however, unless it is chosen it is a delusion and not a belief. Anything or anyone that cannot be questioned and doubted cannot be trusted.
The alternative to choice is compulsion. For example, one can be compelled by a dysfunctional brain that will not allow disbelief: in fact, the most certain people I have ever met were experiencing psychosis. One can also be compelled by another person with enough power to make life unbearable if you don’t give assent. The fact that beliefs and practices are chosen in no way diminishes their veracity or helpfulness but delusions are always in danger of being exposed.
My life has taught me the following lessons that inform the beliefs I choose.
1) The wave isn’t personal, it’s bigger than me or you. I’m also seldom the only one facing it.
2) I much prefer body surfing over ass-slamming.
3)It is better to play in the surf together than to face the waves alone.
